I just watched the film Your Highness, and the whole experience of going to see this film has left me feeling very very bad. I had high expectation for this film. It had Danny McBride , was made by the guys who brought us Pineapple Express, and (according the the trailer) it looked like we would get to see Natalie Portman in a thong! That all sounded good to me! I don’t want to turn this into a bitch-fest about the film or its actors, however after just having sat through 102 minutes of very unfunny dick jokes with an ADHD-ridden audience I feel like I just got ripped off.
I’m starting to think going to movies anymore is just a bad idea all around. From the moment I get to the box office and pay $18.00 for two matinee tickets, to when I buy a couple bottles of water for another $6.50 at the concession stand, I’m thinking “this is a scam.”
Then, when the lights started to dim, you can’t help to notice how many people had their cells phones out and glowing. From my vantage point in the back of the theater it looked like a see of glowing touch pads wavering from side to side as their owners sent texts and tweets out to the rest of the world. One movie-goer even brought his iPad. A FUCKING IPAD! What the fuck do you need an iPad for at a movie theater? How bad are attention spans anymore when a 30 foot wide screen flashing images every two seconds can’t hold people’s gazes long enough to enjoy a fucking film for 90 minutes? And how self-entitled and up their own asses are people getting now days that they feel they can whip these goddamn things out anytime they please despite how it might affect others around them? FUCKING PUT’EM AWAY DIPSHITS!
So… then the movie started, and with in the first five minutes was interrupted by a teenager opening the rear exit door, flooding the theater with plenty of daylight, to allow three of his buddies in with out paying. Actually, that got more of a laugh out of me than most of the movie.
So, while the illuminated people texted, googled, and were probably watching other films while watching this one, and dumb-ass kids took over the front of the theater, I think the employees were starting to feel a little left out. So, as we sat and watched Danny McBride about to be hanged by dwarves, the films sound started cutting in and out. Every five minutes or so the film would go from loud, louder, mute, whisper quiet, then loud again. A sort of unfortunate cycle that would play out in sync with the film just in time to ruin almost every punch line.
Then there was the film…
If you’ve already seen it or read any other reviews of this film, then you know Your Highness is a miss. The story is set in a fantasy world of dragons, warlocks, and brave knights, and is about the brave Prince Fabious (James Franco) and his quest to rescue his bride to be, Belladonna (Zooey Deschanel), from the evil wizard, Leezar (Justin Theroux). However, Fabious is joined in his quest by his slacker brother, Thadeous (McBride), who is forced by their father to journey with Prince Fabious on this dangerous quest. Along the way the meet the beautiful and deadly warrior woman, Isabel (Portman), who fights along side the brothers on their quest. Throw in some weed, and a few dick and midget jokes, and “presto”! It’s a movie.
Though it had a cast of extremely funny and competent actors, there was very little humor in any of the set ups and most of the jokes revolved around the use of the word “fuck” at the end of every sentence. As if they couldn’t think of a single witty line, or even another cuss word, to shock the audience into a laugh. This movie plays out exactly like the type of film you’d get if you let some D&D playing stoned kid and his goofy best friend write a fantasy movie and then. If you really want to see it, then I suggest you wait for Netflix to stream and watch from the comfort of your own home, instead of paying any amount of money at a theater. Or, just let one of your friends pay, then have them open up the back exit for you…
I don’t want to end this post on a sour note, so although this film wasn’t very good, there was one very brief moment of bliss …Natalie Portman in a thong.